Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart
and to try to love the questions themselves
as if they were locked rooms
or books written in a very foreign language.

Don't search for the answers,
which could not be given to you now,
because you would not be able to live them.

And the point is to live everything.

Live the questions now.
Perhaps then, someday far in the future,
you will gradually,
without even noticing it,
live your way into the answers.

She alone dares and wishes to know from within, where she, the outcast, has never ceased to hear the resonance of fore language. She lets the other language speak- the language of 1,000 tongues which knows neither enclosure nor death. To life she refuses nothing. Her language does not contain, it carries; it does not hold back; it makes possible.

Excerpt from “The Laugh of Medusa” by Hélène Cixous

It all started with my Mom's offer to send me to Hollyhock for a birthday getaway. Months later, I was finally taking the time to browse the online calendar of workshops, blown away by the endless options of amazing topics and presenters. As I found the Dancing and Drumming workshop, my reading speeded up and exitment began bubbling in my heart - little did I know that this was the first step in re-awakening the dancer!

I'll have to confirm this with Mom, but I believe that at the age of 4 I attended my first dance class - which involved me crawling around the perimiter of the studio, not quite ready to join in the group movement. Given what I now know about creating and holding sacred space, this makes perfect sense! At this point in my life, it's rare that a day goes by without a full 'set the space' prayer being spoken, whispered or thought whether it be for meditation, movement, healing or sleeping. All seven directions - North, South, East, West, Above, Below and All areas in between - are acknowledged. Seeing that we're in 3rd dimension, crawling around the edge of the room would have accomplished this in my mind!

Fast forward through about ten years of dance classes, including ballet, tap, jazz and (my favorite) modern. I'll also have to check with Mom and Dad to see how many times each week they ended up driving from Silverthorne to Frisco to drop off/pick up my sisters and I at the studio. Or how many hours my mom spent at the sewing machine making our costumes. And how much she wanted to throw fits of anger at us as we whined about the numbered fittings during our Disney movie marathons. Ah yes, and how many Mother's Days were overshadowed with the annual weekend recital. I love you Mom and Dad! Maybe we should start having a second Mother's day each year to make up for all those that were spent in a dark auditorium with a stoneage VHS recorder on the shoulder?

Around about 14 years old it was time for the competitive dance 'Company' try outs. Teenage hormones, point shoes, studio politics, and spandex should never be mixed. After a short period of time performing in the company, my taste buds seemed forever soured. I am still amazed that so many girls could form the same movements to the same beats, cram into a dressing room in a fit of nakedness, blush and lipstick, and appear so beautifully in sync on stage all while holding petty hatred and competitive quarells with each other.

So I quit dance and started recruiting for our High School's first ever woman's rugby team. At the time, I just wanted to avoid conflict - of words and emotions, I guess. In hindsight, it makes perfect sense to have channelled that competitive energy into physical conflict, right?! I can remember showing up for practices and even games with a lot of anger over whatever was going on in my life, and leaving feeling completely free of it all. There's nothing quite like tackling another girl to the ground or hitting the back of a bunch of them in the middle of a grunting ruck, or how about stripping the ball and sprinting as hard as you can! Oh wait this is the dancing blog, I'll do another on rugby later.

Fast forward about 5 years to my sophmore year at CSU. Lots of soul searching, a few changed majors and endless scouring of bulletin boards and non-traditional courses led me to the basketball gym once a week for a month to gather in circle and learn african drumming beats. The instructors drove up from Denver, some students had their own drums, but mostly it was a group of passionate white kids looking for release and creative outlet. The first hour was drumming, the second hour dance to the drummer's newly-acquired rhythms. It brought back a lot of memories - travelling across the floor practicing repetitive moments, learning the first 8 counts and adding more and more for the final performance. But this time it was wild and crazy movements - forget the rigid, controlled muscle memory of the limited pleeeaaaaaayyyy, throw out the ingrained ballett teacher's shriek about first through fifth position of the feet and 'perfect turnout' from the hips! Instead trying moving your hips like you've never imagined! Turn your neck into a spaghetti noodle and thrust that torso every which way! I loved it. I wanted more of it.

I took a few classes here and there, but over the next 7 years I found more work and volunteer 'opportunities' to crowd my schedule and attention. So I've finally come full circle to the Hollyhock workshop - it ignited a very small yet flickering flame inside me - I knew it was time again to bring joy into dance and me into such movement.

The workshop was cancelled, but I still got to dance a few times a week at Hollyhock since the instructor, Soasis and her drumming dude husband Zach live on Cortez Island. Whether it was Wednesday night open dance at the communal Manson's Hall, or 7am 5 Rhythms in the beautiful dome-like building known as Raven, I was there moving every body part - waking up my soul.

I held slight concern about leaving Hollyhock and finding more opportunities to dance, but as it turns out they just keep presenting themselves. My 3 heavanly days at Esalen were each graced with long, sweaty dance sessions facilitated by different yet equally beautiful people. I didn't know it was possible to get quarter-sized blisters under the thick pad of your heels.

And then as I parked my car on Hwy 1 at the Del Mar beach I was overcome with the need to move - so I had a private boogie party in the sand with the wave-facing doors wide open and some hip hop song singing out the speakers.  Ahhhhh.

My time in NYC has been graced with exactly 5 Five Rhythms classes as of tonight. How synchronistic that the creator of this form of movement, Gabrielle Roth, lives here and is teaching a workshop during my stay! It will start tomorrow, lasting about 5 hours each day until Sunday. Right now my feet are aching - oh how I wish I knew a reputable reflexologist in this huge city! There are hole-in-the-wall spots on every other block advertising various levels of a skillful 'foot rub', I suppose it couldn't hurt to give one a go.

I started this entry because I wanted people to be able to read and understand what I'm talking about when I tell them I'm going to dance classes and workshops that are transforming my energy and perspective on life. It's morphed into a novel, so now that I've spilled my dance background, let's see what Gabrielle has to say about 5 Rhythms Dance. This is from her second book, entitled Sweat Your Prayers: Movement as a Spiritual Practice:

"Each rhythm holds specific teachings for us. In FLOWING we learn how to be sensitive to the flow of our unique energy, to follow it and be true to it, and to ground that energy in our bodies and in the body of the Great Mother, earth herself. In STACCATO we learn how to organize our energy, to focus and direct it, to listen to our hearts and honor our need to express our feelings. In CHAOS we learn how to dive below the surface, logical mind to the intuitive mind; how to get in touch with our whims, our impulses, our spontaneous, poetic intelligence, and free them to move through our bodies and hearts.
...
Dancing CHAOS grounds the mind in the body adn releases everything that blocks you from your intuition.
...
Intuition is chaotic. If you're afraid of chaos, it's hard to access your intuitition. CHAOS is the wild mind fully embodied; if you release yourself into it, the world becomes transparent and you can read it like a book.
...
In LYRICAL, the drums are as incessant as in CHAOS, but they have a lighter tone. My feet are as light as a feather, my heart is on fire, my head is empty. ... LYRICAL is the rhythm of trance and self-realization.
...
In this state of grace I slip into the rhythm of STILLNESS, into the breath of the beat, to revolve around my own axis, to shift down into the drift of a waking dream. ... In STILLNESS, the mother of all rhythms, we seek the emptiness within all of us, and take refuge in it.
...
These rhythms catalyze motion deep in the psyche. Each is a practical tool of awakening that will release us to dance on the edge, to be outrageous, to transform suffering into art and art into awareness. "

I have had an amazing time; Washington, Canada and California were really really good to me. Hollyhock was the perfect launching pad, with the exception of my desire and the opportunities to stay! My 3 week work exchange was a truly eye-opening opportunity to observe my states of being while working all kinds of different jobs. I did learn how to create happiness doing jobs I really didn't enjoy - just in case I don't have the energy to create a different job.

It was so inspiring to see all the different lifestyles - and to hold in mind the question, "Am I living to work, or working to live?" I felt that talents and interests were truly supported on Cortez Island, it was wonderful to see these souls just blooming and sharing their sweetness with everyone! There were a lot of aspects that reminded me of New Belgium, and then there was just this extra step that had been taken. For example, I was honored to be there for the end of the season staff party. Initially I thought it would be mellow compared to the NBB holiday party. But these guys went their own version of 'all out'. Awesome food, decorations, a chocolate fountain, a neverending line up of rockin dance tunes. And then the thing that in my mind has been missing from NBB - a 'talent show' portion of the night. It was literally tear jerking (not just for me, I watched other's eyes well up, too!) to have these people share deep feelings through their creative expression - songs sang, instruments played, acting displayed, and poetry. When they open up, it's genuine and it's a raging river and it's received with the utmost respect and encouragement. Many of the employees were actually leaving to pursue their creative talents, which was openly known and congratulated.

On another note, the consciousness of the land on the island truly spoke to me. The energy there is truly amazing. If you have any inkling, check out the catalogue and consider a workshop or retreat. Or teaching one!

Esalen was also wonderful - just South of Big Sur, the warm California climate is a winter home for monarch butterflies which just feels so majical! The sulphur mineral water streams out of the side of the hills and is captured in nude baths that sit on the edge of cliffs overlooking the ocean. They do month long work study programs, so I'm going to look into that since my 3 days there were not enough!

In mid-September I wrote this journal entry:

"Manifestation proclamation:
travel - see the world
adventure - journey - new experiences
safe, guided, guarded adn protected
peaceful, easy, comfortable
learning - of self, gifts, how to share them with the world
connection oversoul to oversoul with others
spark passion inside me
discover my personal legend
be on my path
be in and of the world
feel joy, happiness, to laugh
allow, surender, trust and have faith in divinity
to 'work' feeling fullfilled and to transition to the next step in the evolution of my consciousness"

I am overjoyed to see all of this in my experiences since then.

The 3 weeks that i have been at Hollyhock have been truly amazing. I have felt a new level of connection with self and others, and am joyously sharing in it!

I have discovered a mindfullness and peace in all the work I have done here - scrubbuing toliets, pulling weeds, sanding and varnishing, chopping vegetables, and on and on. Even data entry , formatting and word processing! I believe it began with the awareness of anger, and tipped into peace with simply singing to my work.

As I walk through the garden and out the front drive of this place, on the path through the amazing trees and smell of salty air and rich earth, I am forever changed and endlessly grateful.

In my aspirations for greatness, I found perfection on the doorstep and invited it in.

Namaste

The 'quotes' section of my zaadz page was not as I had hoped - instead of a place to post inspirational quotes, they are all filtered into the larger zaadz library. So these are some quotes that have really struck cords for me.

"It can be more heroic to be willing to act in the absence of certainty than to refuse to act without abasolute certainty."

"There is a kingdom come and I'm in for it. There will be a day when I die and do not rise, so I would rather die doing what I love than waht I don't... The great thing, the real accomplishement is building you house in full view ofthe volcano." '32

" 'You have to be willing to step into a mysterious unknown situation and listen to the creative response within you, whether it be music, a voice of wisdom, an inspirational idea, or a calling to just be spontaneous.' " - Rachel Bagby

"Many of us are in love with our own noise, so we constantly defile silence, fearing that it might accuse of us our own emptiness. There is an emptiness at the center of our lives - the place Paradise once filled - and an infinity of silence, I suspect, awaits us at the end of it." p28

"When we want to comunicate quietly with ourselves or with whomever put us here, however, language is more a hinderance than a help. We get tangled too easily, caught in a net of discursiveness. We're after something that lies beneath all that noise, something literally un-thinkable, something that is not so much communication as it is communion - a felt language, a silence filled not with emptiness but with persence.

This presence reveals itself to us only in silence, says P.L. Travers, author of Mary Poppins, "Be still long enough, I thought, and the trees would take no notice of me and continue whatever it was they were doing or saying before I happened upon them."

p28

"Through some trial and error, I have discovered that often the best bait to use in luring a call is a little space. We need time when we're not engaged in what the Taoists refer to as "the ten thousand things." When we give off nothing but busy signals, calls simply don't get through. There's no room for them. Make some room. Get off the line once in a while." p24

More to come!

After that second day of garden work (which I LOVE out here - it's even fun to weed because the earth is just ripe! 'Black gold' soil is no metaphor!) I ventured to Manson's Landing with Justine, my one and only fellow Karmee Yoga participant, and Kaleb, a seasoned staff member at hollyhock. The grand town tour involved the library, preschool, community hall, co-op, cafe, bookstore, post office, fire department, eco forestry society, and school for grades 1-8. Although there isn't much development, there's plenty to do - especially if you connect with the volunteer within! Luckily I'm only here for 3 weeks, otherwise I'd be signed up for a dozen committees! It's good for me to learn how to be in and enjoy quiet stillness.

But not before an afternoon of co-ed soccer scrimmaging and a few hours of freeform dancing! I was happy to not need cleats or shin guards to join in the soccer game, and I even scored a goal! I was amazed at how similar the play is here - I felt like I was back on the Loveland fields with the Fat Tire Flyers - except for teh delightful moisture in the air and huge oxygen-giving trees that surrounded and shaded the field we played on!

The original workshop that I had signed up for at Hollyhock was Drumming and Dancing with a local couple - the wife an instructor of 5 Rhythms dance and the husband a drumming and didgerydoo musician. Turns out they host a donation-basis dance night once a week!- how perfect! Despite my full day of rowing, gardening and running, I danced my soul out among half a dozen other booty-shakers. Deelightful.

This morning's attempt to attend my house-mate's yoga class was thwarted by the snooze button on my cell phone alarm. I opted for the clothing-optional hot tub instead and stewed until my skin was lobster-red until the sun was up  on the magnificent island-spotted ocean view.

A full 8 hour shift in the kitchen has left my body yearning for my creakey loft bed! I don't believe I've ever scrubbed so much with eco-friendly cleaning products as I did today! Luckily the food here is as amazing as the layer of healthy grease over the ovens. Justine and I finished out the day with a few hours of food prep for the 50 person dinner, a welcomed job after so much grime.

It amazes me how phone conversations can be so encouraging of transformative energy shifts - the few people who I've had the absolute pleasure and honor of talking to lately have been incredibly supportive! This transition is trying my confidence, so I've appreciated all the help I can get!  Those of you who have received voicemails from me should know that I truly value your opinions and miss interacting with yous deeply! 

Appetizers on a shoreside 4 foot wide tree stump served by an animated man  who is forcing raw oyster shells apart commenting, "What you lack in technique you make up for in brute force!" - quite nice.

There are red jellyfish dying in the ocean and floating into the bays and beaches here, we're warned not to touch them as the electric shock can still be intact. This doesn't keep me from a quick ocean wade on the empty beach,. Payers and answers happily said and found in the tiny rolling surges of the protected bay bring strongly sought peace to my mind. Sunset light on the BC mainland mountain range. As beautiful as the salty water and it's creatures in and around are, I feel the draw of the mountains. Why would I choose the harsh high altitude of frozen lands over this temparate air and soft garden soil? I suppose it's time to stop questioning and start allowing that pull to guide my next step.

Welp, it's been a fun journey thus far, here's a quickie update...

- The drive from Fort Collins, CO to Anacortez, WA was a quickie - 3 stops for fuel (I love getting awesome gas mileage in the jetta!), a near-miss with a very large deer around midnight on a small highway, 6 hours of sleep in the reclined drivers seat parked outside a motel in Soda Springs, ID, and some beeeautiful scenery later I arrived at Ralph's campsite.
- I was gratefully escorted by Ralph through the ferry process from the mainland to Lopez Island and then later that afternoon to Orcas Island. My second cousin Sue gave directions while we were in the pocket of cell service in the quaint downtown, and we drove to her house overlooking the East Sound. Greeted by a warm welcome from Sue and her homemade chili we enjoyed the evening.

- A chilly and steep hike past Mountain Lake up to the summit of Mt. Constitution gave us a 360 degree view of the watery surroundings. The best kiche I have ever had accompanied our internet cafe time, after which we picked wild blackberries until my fingers and tounge were sufficiently stained! Beers on the deck while watching the sunset - Fat Tire never tasted so good!

- Friday brought a trip to the nearby Rosario Resort's dungen-like group fitness room for a pilates-inspired class.  I enjoyed meeting friendly locals which was quite the switch from the rude cell phone company that I dealt with on the phone more than once.

- Saturday was an eary morning ferry with a stop at Friday Harbor before arriving at Sydney on Vancouver Island, British Columbia. A fearful, unsure feeling took me to Butchart Gardens for a 3+ hour tour of the gravel pit-turned-tourist-attraction for assistance in grounding. I left inspired by plants but still questioning what to do with my time. The city of Victoria swallowed the rest of my day and too much of my cash! I have never before seen such a clean, happy, organized city! The museum had more interactive and impressive displays than any other I've visited - with more information on native peoples than I had time to explore. Aspects of the 'supernatural' such as myth, lore and spiritual beliefs were a large part of this information - Shamanism was readily explained alongside trinkets and tools used by these peoples. Very cool.

- A long sleep in the back of the jetta at an RV park outside the city prepared me for the marathon drive the next day. I awoke before dawn for a surprise stop at a boat launch in one of the first inlets I found. A long meditation on the fueling dock left me hopeful with plenty of information about releasing my qualms and allowing integration of learning and light. I drove all the way across Vancouver island to Tofino, a small town on the West coast.(about a 3 hour trip there, and a speedy 2 hours back!) Known for suring, whale watching and other tourist activities, I found it difficult to leave but knew I needed to rush to catch the next ferry.  I made it with 10 minutes to spare, what a relief! 20 minute ferry to Quadra Island, 20 minute drive across the island, 45 minute ferry to Cortez island, 30 minute drive to Hollyhock. (+10 minutes of being lost, asking for directions and finally finding it) Once again warm welcomes, no problems with my lateness, a quick orienatation and escort to the house.

- I love waking up in a new place when you arrived int eh dark the night before! Especially when you get to see the sun rise! I walked int he dark to yoga and enjoyed a mellow hatha class. Breakfast and some wandering/wondering what to do with my first day full of free time and the odd feeling of loneliness and confusion.

- My attempt to find a trailhead for some solo hiking (once again trying to ground in this new place!) lead me to a location that had been mentioned by previous Karmee Yoga participants - King Karl's Castle. I drove up the incredibly steep driveway and was greeted by a miniature rat terrier dog with a piercing guard dog bark. Her owner laughed from the window and slowly came out the front door witha  cane, "Hello, I'm King Karl and this is Queen Terry!" In his late 70s(?), Karl told me about his various health challenges as he wobbled down the driveway, leading me to the castle entrance. His blue sweat pants were held up by a large safety pin, attached to his shirt. He later explained that when at home he  dressed very casual and couldn't stand tight things around his belly (Lauren and I have this in common with Karl!) Two hours later I left the property feeling quenched of quality conversation, ready for some time alone.

- A hike to Easter Bluff provided an hour of sunny jounaling with magnificent views fof the surrounding islands. Another longer hike through some amazing old growth brought me to Swim Rock; I could barely believe that here I was, on an island in Canada, swimming in a freshwater lake by myself as the sun descended behind the tall trees! Dinner and a talk by Dr. Gabor Mate, author of When the Body Says No about the link between hidden emotions and chronic diseases like cancer and MS.

- Tuesday my first day of work in the gardens - amazing ! more to come

- Wednesday a 6:45am row out to a nearby island and then more work on the gardens

whew! sorry it's such an odd narration, i just wanted to put some info down before it's crowded with other experiences!


peace and love and ocean light,
alli